The rumours are true. SNWCNT Issue 2 is here.
The SNWCNT team are currently on a yacht in the med counting our share options for the summer. We will be back for the industry cluster fuck in September!
BroCore Outerwear founder Corey Shameless has just announced he his producing a series of snowboarding action figures.
The Rad Shred Dudes are collection of figurines aimed at snow-loving kids or people with severe learning difficulties, or ideally both.
The crew features a diverse posse of snowboarders including:
- Thor Bånkable, Scandinavian 7 x world champion coming complete with oversized prize cheque, gold teeth and a complete lack of imagination.
- Tears McTight-Pants, an emo jibber coming complete with bungee cord, extra floppy hair and a continual nosebleed.
-Billy Bob Compton, all mountain wigga with oversized headphones, XXXL tee and a choice of catchphrases all ending in the word ‘yo’.
- Lacey Airhead, snowboarding pin up babe with bikini, inane interview quotes and a fresh dose of the clap.
- Suzie Sapphic, hardcore rock’n’roll park chick with a numerous piercings, deep voice and a double-ended dildo.
Says Shameless: “These dolls are just awesome! They are based on my homies I grew up shredding South Lake Tahoe with – apart from the lesbian one, she’s based on…ooops, can’t tell you that, her sponsors would kill me! Anyway, they’re gonna be perfect for getting more douchebags into snowboarding. I tell ya, sexual harassment lawsuits are a bitch for your bank balance!”
EcoCore Snowboards hippie poster twat Hans Borganic has vowed to lower his impact on the environment by inhaling all of his own farts.
The self-righteous big mountain snowboarder’s strictly vegan diet is thought to have contributed to an abnormally high level of flatulence, resulting in him expelling large amounts of methane into the atmosphere.
He is now using a specially-developed breathing apparatus that feeds the toxic greenhouse gas back into his lungs where it will be broken down into environmentally-friendly halitosis.
“Dude, I got so scared about my anus was doing to mother earth that I felt I needed to do whatever I could to stop it,” said the malnourished rider from his carbon neutral yurt in the Canadian Rockies. “It’s a shame that I still need my SUV for getting my alfalfa sprouts from Walmart but I do feel really bad each day that I fill her up with premium unleaded.”
Borganic is also rumoured to be in talks to become the face of a new range of EcoCore underwear with built-in methane capture technology.
This new green effort is on top of his recent pledge to wash in his own piss to save fresh water and only gamble in casinos with solar panels on their roof.
It’s awesome to see someone take a stand to save our planet!
Get all the latest product placement, irrelevant news, world exclusive Corey Shameless interview and the GNARcore teams’ shred trip to the slopes of Shitistan.
Rumours have been flying recently about Jesus Christ’s newly-found love of snowboarding.
Last week, God’s messenger on Earth was reported to have used his Blackberry to click through several online stores of such brands as GNARcore in search of his perfect set up.
But, like the hippie he is, he finally opted for a EcoCore Flying-Vegan 142 (yeah, he’s actually smaller than he sounds in the Bible!) with banana rocker and extra pop.
One unnamed source closes to Jesus says “Ever since he first tried snowboarding while on an 18-30s holiday in Andorra, Jesus won’t stop talking about pow, back lips and being stoked on things. It’s actually getting a bit tedious, far more than all that love-thy-brother gay shit he usually goes on about.”
BroCore Outerwear founder and crazed Jesus fan, Corey Shameless, was so thrilled by the news that he immediately offered Jesus his own pro model gloves that will let the stigmata blood out but won’t let any snow in.
"Putting the nail holes in the boots is proving a little tricky, but we are getting there," said Shameless yesterday. "It’s a massive honour though. I’ve been a big fan of Jesus since I found out he turns water into vodka and is slamming that sweet-ass ho Mary. Dude knows how to party!"
Can’t wait to see you on the hill Jesus!
Everyone remembers just how gnarly kamakazi fighter pilots were in WW2, right? Well, 14-year-old Japanese shred destroyer Misu Kawasaki is living up to his great-grandfathers’ fearless reputations by going all out in the halfpipe and causing many an upset on the GNARCore and Fox News Xtreme Primetime Snow Trick Tour in association with Kensington Knives and Forks this season.
Unfortunately, his broken Engrish isn’t so hot and everyone knows the Japanese don’t have much to say anyway unless it’s about electronics or karate, so he used his fancy app on his iPhone 7 to message us some pictures that tell his story.
(We guessed the captions for him cos we couldn’t understand those funny pictures he writes with. )
Misu got his big break in snowboarding through Japanese daredevil stuntgame show Mr Miyamoto’s Super Happy Fun Time House of Spinal Injuries. This is him and 14 friends doing a cliff drop backflip in quick succession for the show that won him and his buddys a lifetime’s supply of whale meat.
This is a exclusive sneak peek of Misu’s 2012 season board. It features two of his favourite things: Tom Cruise and samurai swords. Misu was so excited when he found out about the film The Last Samurai that he soiled himself.
Nowadays Misu is scared of shitting himself in public. So he has invented this awesome toilet device allowing him to evacuate last night’s Teriyaki Sushi balls while he’s going inverted in the pipe.
Don’t be fooled by her surname, Josie Stroppy-Pants is actually officially the nicest girl in snowboarding. The former Miss Pre-Teen America and Grattons catalogue model is a shining example to all those girls who want to push snowboarding to new levels… of partying and posing in a bikini.
We caught up with her between hair salon appointments to get the lowdown on her new clothing range, HoCore.
How are you doing?
I’m just super-psyched on life at the moment. It’s like the stars have aligned: what with my new clothing range and I did a 180 on my snowboard the other day too. It must have been all the praying I’ve been doing. Jesus listens, you know. I’m just so grateful.
Everyone always says how positive you are…
You know, I just want to show people that if you believe in yourself and follow your dreams, you can have the perfect life. The fact that I haven’t ever had to work a full-time job helps too.
So you are the first member of the HoCore snow team. How did that come about?
It was so hilarious actually. I’ve known Corey for a long time and he suggested we should do this together once I reached the age of consent. The interview was a bit strange though as he got me to soap down his jaguar in my bikini while he videoed it.
Was it fun?
Yeah it was, I had a headache afterwards but Corey is such a sweetheart: he gave me these super-good headache tablets. I can’t remember much else but it must be because I never drink or take drugs. I think the jaguar must have scratched me though as I had a six inch scar across my back when I woke up. My dad was real pissed.
Why was he so upset?
No, he was pissed, as in he’d been drinking since breakfast. He’s been doing that a lot since his shares in Blackwater went through the roof thanks to the Iraq war.
So what happened to the jaguar?
Corey drove it to go get some take-out I think. Oh…
As well as snowboarding and modelling, you do a lot of charity work too, right?
Yeah, I started my own foundation to help young girls who have bad hair called Josie Hair Care. It’s something that is close to my heart as I was once a sufferer until I got my own stylist for the pageants. My hair was so goofy! Daddy says the foundation will also help me out heaps when doing my taxes.
Any shout outs?
Yeah, I just want to thank Jesus, Buddha and L Ron Hubbard – I’m, like, a very spiritual person, you know.
Our Soul Investments have just released plans for a 1000m indoor snow slope complex to be built in Darfur, right in the heart of Sudan, Africa.
Launching the project in the country’s largest UN peacekeeping compound, Our Soul CEO Sir Charles Cash-Trousers set out plans to spend a whopping $9000 on the cutting-edge leisure facility.
As well as the largest indoor snow slope outside of China, there will also be casino, hotel, executive relief massage parlour and 27 gourmet restaurants including an authentic Austrian sausage and ham eatery.
In order to maintain that winter wonderland feel, the whole 200 square kilometre site will be climatically-controlled by giant industrial cooling towers described by Cash-Trousers as “much those those massive nuclear things out of Aliens”.
"We are very excited about to be able to offer the best of snowsports entertainment with that added extra thrill of genocide taking place just moments away," said Cash-Trousers. "Also, the fact that it is an active warzone means that property prices are at rock-bottom and we can test out these new climate-engineering units without fear of lawsuits and any mutations that take place can simply be written of as machete-based horseplay"
By the looks of the artists impression below, it looks awesome. We can’t wait to get our shred on there so we’ve already booked tickets on the next UN food aid drop!